preventing total environmental collapse

stopping total environmental collapse - panned - no text.png

preventing total environmental collapse

At any given point there are a multitude of forces determined to cause turmoil to our world.

We have grown so dull to these tedious tides that we often turn a blind eye. It’s often much easier to continue moseying on to Taco Bell than it is to get the thinking cap out and scheme up a solution to quell the onset of disaster.

I mean don’t we pay taxes to ensure some other pleb is on disaster prevention duty?

But I am Wendys Donuts and I refuse to neglect my civic duty any longer. I believe it is my moral obligation to do … things … to right the wrongs I see. This responsibility has never been clearer to me than it is now.

For a most troubling development has been brought to my attention. And it is in fact most troubling.

So let’s get right to it.

And save the muthafukin world baby.

The issue that’s been brought to center stage revolves around the work being conducted by the global network of science homies. It turns out they’ve been poking their noses in all the wrong places. Their fingers are in all the wrong pies.

As a matter fact they might well be using all the wrong fingers to investigate all the wrong pies.

According to my very well placed sources it turns out that our once beloved science homies have been delving head, or fingers, first into a plethora of dolphin and plant research. They’ve been trying to find a way to communicate with both plants and dolphins.


What the fuck could a plant possibly tell you? Don’t forget to water me.

The idiots.

What useful anything could possibly gained by talking to a tree? Are they gonna try and find out how to speak ‘groot’? And eventually hear the much-awaited response:

I am not groot.

Not to mention they risked pissing of an ent-moot with their stupid ‘groot’ based questions. No doubt sparking a tree trunk revolution. And I for one do not fancy the prospect of fighting off an army of ent-moots. Namely because I would lose. We would all lose. As advanced as our civilization is, I think we can all be sure that if tree’s came to life, we would lose.

Conclusion. Trying to talk to plants is a fantastic waste of time.

Let’s also be honest any little weirdo sitting there, trying to talk to dolphins … should be locked up. What on earth could be the reason to talk to fish? Are you gonna ask them to show you where Atlantis is?

The silly little monkeys.

It may be difficult to digest but the only plausible reason is for these pescatarian dr. doo little efforts is that the odd little tinkers are out to diddle a couple of dolphins and get them to verbally consent to having their blow holes researched.


Lock them up.


The powers that be have decided to direct funding into technology that allows us to talk to nature. It wouldn’t have been my immediate choice to direct funds. Option one would’ve clearly been to direct funds into finding a way to perfect the Pizza Delivery Box.

Keep it bubbly hot and prevent the toppings from smashing about.

It was a vital issue threatening the civility of our civilization.

But since we cannot redirect the funding it is our civil duty to focus the nature-communication research. Critical issues can be resolved with this technology. Ones that don’t involve the consensual investigation of dolphin blowholes and an ent-moot discovery mission.

For the sake of mankind and the planet as a whole we have a responsibility. We must adhere to the higher calling and use these powers to secure the planet for our children. And most importantly secure the planet for our future selves, mainly my future self. The rest of you can be happy that I’m happy. And then be happy for the damn privilege I suppose. But don’t let me tell you what to or not to be happy about. I suppose.

But you should listen to my advice.

Crap Snacks.

I digress.

Where were we?


The benefit of mankind.

The research must be redirected towards allowing us to gain the ultimate power from communicating with nature.

We need to perfect the power of: Pigeon Whispering.

The incessant rats of the sky pose the biggest problem of the modern era.

The selfish shitting bastards run rampant in the skies pooping on cars and balconies with no concern for the human condition. Not only is it a health concern but pigeon poop is also damned disgusting. Worst of all, pigeons show no remorse for their devious defecations. Even silly dogs show remorse for dooding in your shoes.

Pigeons are perfectly happy to not give one fuck.

Not a single one.

Selfish fuckers.

We need to develop the technology to talk to these flying rodents and convince them that it is utterly unacceptable to poo on our cars, balconies and statues. It should be fairly easy enough. I can’t imagine that pigeons have highly developed reasoning or debating skills.

They should pose as mere peasants in terms of putting up a worthy challenge. Simply tell the pigeons that if they continue pooing on our cars, balconies and statues then they will be no more bread available in parks for them to feast on.

And the god of cars will come and eat their eggs. Therefore if they do not change their ways their entire species will be wiped out. Which would have been my ideal resolution but apparently “that’s way to extreme.”

So we shall take the subtle approach.

Side Note: If you are one of the sensitive plebs that have moral qualms about lying to birds to change their habits then just be quiet and go sit in the corner. Let the brave amongst us sort it out.

Health and aesthetics may seem like trivial reasons to direct the nature-communication research towards pigeons but there is something far grander at play here. Humanities greatest foe lurks just behind the horizon. Or is it ‘beyond the horizon’? Never mind.

The dingleberry is close.

And the millions of pounds of pigeon poop that rains down upon us daily only serves to bring this dingleberry closer to us.

And with him comes destruction.

Pure primal destruction.

Safe to say, a scary storm is on its way.

The dingleberry I speak of is the dreaded Total Environmental Collapse. Yes. Total muthafuckin Environmental Collapse. It may seem like a big leap to go from pigeon doodoo to Environmental Collapse but the path to destruction is very rarely obvious. The destructive dingleberry likes to operate in very sneaky ways.

Let’s take a deeper look.

We need water to live. It is the single greatest resource for our civilization and for the environment to exist. Without water things wouldn’t live. That’s why there are no lime-green aliens on Mars. They died of thirst. Because there’s no water.

Without water the environment really doesn’t stand a chance. Not to mention that us human folk would find ourselves engaging in war for the rights to what little water is left. Only to find out that there isn’t enough. And then? We go the way of the Martian aliens.

Now water is already scarce. What’s left can be best described as dwindling. So if we waste what’s left of our water washing away the remnants of pigeon poops that pepper our cities then the end is near. Soon before we realize what’s happened our supplies of water will be at an all time low. And then what?

Total Environmental Collapse.

The cause of all this? Arrogant pigeons who callously poop wherever they choose.

They are unable to understand the environmental implications of their actions. Or they simply just don’t care.

Pigeons are arrogant flying rodents after all.

The situation can simply be described as unacceptable.

Pigeons are covering our cities in their doodies. We must expend vast amounts of water, and soap … oh so much soap, to clean up after them. Therefore we end up wasting all of our precious water. Now we face Total Environmental Collapse because no environment has a snowball’s chance in hell at surviving without water.

Just investigate the alien fossils on Mars and you’ll see that I’m right.

The solution?

We must speak with the pigeons.

Now c’mon I’ve not lost all grasp on my senses.

I full well understand … that these birds have to poop. Unfortunately a full scale culling of all pigeons is not feasible or acceptable. Mainly because people are not willing to do what is required to save our environment but I am wise if nothing else. So I have come up with an alternative.

Wendys Donuts is here to save the day.

It begins with speaking to the pigeons.

Once we have lied to them enough to scare them into believing that pooping on cars, balconies and statues will lead to the destruction of their species we need to redirect where they can poop. Otherwise they might begin imploding in the skies by holding in their poops.

Which while it would be hilarious, would result in the same horrible outcome. As imploded pigeons rain down upon us we’d end up using twice as much water to clean them up. The net result, Total Environmental Collapse. Just via a funnier route.

Fortunately for us, there are places on this Earth where pigeons can go to evacuate themselves without any consequence. The prime example is a city like New Jersey. The people here have no concept of cleaning and the place doesn’t waste any water on cleaning doodies from its streets.

The perfect toilet for the flying rodent then.

If for some beautiful reason you don’t have a New Jersey equivalent in your country then simply direct the pigeons to the nearest vegan hotspot. The filthy hippies barely shower as it is so there is very little chance they are going to waste water keeping their wicker baskets and bicycles clean.

The path is set. The way to salvation is clear. The environment must be protected. We do not want to end up like the extinct Martians.

We must gather our forces to sway the science homies into redirecting their research towards developing the technology to talk to pigeons. It is the only way to avoid Total Environmental Collapse

The Pigeon Whisperer Strategy.

It’s rock solid. Sound in principle and reasoning. It must be executed.

The world will be a much safer place.

You’re welcome.


Don’t be a pleb. Before you go make sure to hit subscribe below. Wendys Donuts will be saving the world one report at a time.

Peace out.